Don't Fall Into the Chocolate River: Top 10 Coaches That Would Not Survive Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory
The chocolate factory is a land of temptation, karmic justice, and swirling absurdity—in other words, a perfect match for the college football coaching carousel.
Now it would be easy for me to rank “The Top 10 QBs Going Into 2025” or “My 10 Favorite Running Backs of All Time”, but I like to get weird. Let’s take a trip to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory and see what coaches would be getting dragged out by Oompa Loompas.
10. Ryan Day
Ryan Day doesn’t like to lose. And if he does he might cry about it for a while. On this tour Ryan Day meets his fate at the hands of the everlasting gobstopper. He was convinced it “wasn’t tough enough.” Jim Harbaugh somehow got blamed.
9. Billy Napier
Coach Napier falls into the chocolate river trying to micromanage the Oompa Loompas' operations. He brought a laminated plan titled “Culture Over Candy” but drowned mid plan while trying to align the Loompas into position groups. Still says Gainesville is tougher.
8. James Franklin
James Franklin would get very close to winning the whole thing. I’m talking Charlie Bucket and Crazy Grandpa Joe levels of success and humility. But, we all know what happens to James Franklin when the lights shine brightest. He makes a wrong turn in a long hallway and is destined for life in limbo with the Oompa Loompas.
7. Deion Sanders
Listen, you don’t need me to tell you that Coach Prime isn’t making it out of Wonka’s Hell House alive. He’s like Augustus Gloop and Veruca Salt all rolled into one. He would be trying to get the Oompa Loompas to enter the transfer portal with a lucrative NIL deal to join him in Boulder. However, we all know Willy Wonka is highly anti-union. Sanders is out.
6. Lane Kiffin
Simply tweeted too much during the tour. “This place overrated tbh 🍫 #chocolate #hottytoddy”.
5. Brian Kelly
Slipped mid-cajun-accent TikTok dance. The Oompa Loompas thought he was mocking them and sent him straight to the “Bad Gumbo” vault.
4. Lincoln Riley
Lincoln Riley’s lack of defense would be his downfall, just like in real life. The boat left without him because he didn’t bring a defense. The chocolate river ferry requires balance. Riley's side of the boat sank under soft zone coverage. Still insists it's a personnel issue.
3. Dabbo Swinney
Dabbo refused to accept factory modernization. Said he didn’t need candy tech, only grit and God’s plan. Declared the chocolate NIL program “the devil’s sugar” and refused all enhancements. Wonka himself quietly escorted him out.
2. Kirby Smart
Kirby turned the Golden Ticket process into a composite ranking. He brought analysts, a strength coach, and tried to install a 4-2-5 defense in the Chocolate Room. Wonka, threatened by the rising efficiency, pulled the trapdoor mid-sabanism.
1. Nick Saban
From the second he entered the factory, Saban demanded every room operate on a strict schedule, insisted the Oompa Loompas review film, and required all candy be consumed "one rep at a time." When Wonka told him the Fizzy Lifting Room ran on whimsy, Saban short-circuited. Last seen muttering about "rat poison" while buried under a pile of exploding gumdrops.
Did we miss someone? Who else would fail the ultimate test of self-awareness and sugary self-control?
Drop your takes in the comments or send us your Wonka coaching eliminations on social.
The Redshirts